My Crackhead Friend

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“Cast all of your anxiety onto Him because He cares for you” 1 Peter 5:7

If you and I became friends right now you would, at first, see my outward self. You woul see a tall, thin, blonde haired girl with a Canadian accent. Once you got to know me, you would see a VERY hard working, driven, intelligent mother who has the ability to make almost anyone laugh. I am in my late 20’s. Once you got to know me a bit better you would also see a girl who enjoys her alone time, someone who sometimes goes into depressed modes, and a person who would do ANYTHING to help others. You would probably think that I cuss a bit much and sometimes I loose my temper easily. If you are an analyzer such as myself you would see that this driven, temperamental girl has experienced a great deal of death and abuse. But let me point out that my past has only affected me to a small negative extent, I truly believe in taking our battles and turning them into lessons. Lessons in which we APPLY to life for the greater good. I have a tendency on dwelling on my past, wishing I could go back and change so many things, wishing I would have said something different, done something different.
I grew up in a very small town, its actually considered a “village”. It was predominantly white, very country, but one of those places where you had to have a thick skin to survive. I saw a lot of violence from an early age, and was introduced to drugs at an age no person should. At 15 I could look at a pill or powder and name every detail of what it is. I was an excellent student. and had a way with making my parents think I was a “good” girl. At 16 years old I was smoking crack everyday. I was what I refer to as a “functioning addict”. I held a job, and got good grades. By 19 I was a full blown prescription drug addict, taking up to 30 Norcos a day, everyday.
  • 22.6 Million people in America, starting at age 12, are addicted to illegal drugs
  • 10 Million people from the age of 12-20 are full blown alcoholics
  • Since 1980, the rise of drug abuse has risen 580%
  • 1/35 Opiate Addicts can successfully stop
  • 3-15% of Drug Addicts recover successfully
    So if 22.6 Million people are drug addicts and (we will average the 3-15%) and 10% of people successfully quit, that is over 20 Million people who will live their entire lives on drugs. And this is only in America.
    Okay, statistics aside. I am no longer living the life of a drug addict, but I do know a lot of people who do. I left that grungy “Village” and made something of myself. I’m one of the VERY few who did. If you read my older blog in which I spoke of how we pick our family, you’ll remember that I spoke of my “Aunt”. Here, we will call her Amanda. Amanda is 20 years my senior and we have quite an odd friendship. I don’t think its odd, but from the outside it looks as though. Every Christmas, I do several charities and one year she asked me on Facebook if I would help her wrap presents (she has a very bad back), and I accepted her request. As we got to chatting, we had a lot in common. The people in my life now do not understand what its like to be a recovering addict, besides the internet I don’t have anyone that I can talk to about what its like. We had such a fun time that day that we began having coffee dates in the mornings and I learned she was a recovering addict as well. She was less fortunate than me, she discovered Crack after she had her first child and did not do right by that child at all. She lives life with a MASSIVE hole of regret based on her choices. She IS clean now. Me and Amanda spent many mornings talking to each other about our drug days, what we did, what we would do to get it, the shameful amounts of money we spent, the people we knew that died, ect. Amanda is now a wonderful mother to teenage twins and a woman of God, and above all….my best friend. I have a bedroom at her house and can talk to her about ANYTHING.
    Amanda’s story is miraculous, it is a true miracle of God. When she told me how she got sober, I listened to her stone faced and had goosebumps the whole time, then we both cried. I want to share this story with you.
    Amanda was introduced to crack at the age of 32 by two of her childhood friends. This recreational habit started out as an occasional thing, but as the fates would have it, it became her way of life. She was smoking crack everyday, all day. Amanda was a very typical drug addict, she stole, she lied, she cheated, she went to dangerous areas to score crack, she lost her child, she didn’t care about anything other than her next hit. She was a crack addict for 12 years. She has sex for crack, she even watched a few people die in front of her from over dose. She got several felonies, she was incarcerated, the works.
    After about 8 years into this devilish addiction, she wanted to stop but saw no hope. She entered SEVERAL rehabs, and only came out with more “connections”. She went to NA, AA (as she became an alcoholic as well), she spent years trying with her addiction getting worse and worse. Amanda was stick thin, she was hospitalized, she almost died a few times. She was desperate. Amanda was smoking crack up to 25 times a day, crack to her was just as common as cigarettes.
    Amanda lost her child and all of her loved ones gave up on her. She was desperate. She tried it all.
    One night in the Winter as she was at home alone, after an entire day of smoking this nasty drug, not showering or leaving her home for days on end, she tried the one thing she hadn’t before, she prayed. Amanda got on her knees next to her bed and yelled out to God for help. She cried, she shook, she prayed for almost an hour asking Him to PLEASE HELP. The desperation in her voice, the tears in her eyes which were so black from the abuse she endured from dealers and terrible men flowed and for once in almost a decade Amanda felt passion. Amanda did NOT want this life anymore.
    After her long prayer, after she had no tears left, Amanda had a cigarette and went to bed.
    When she woke in the morning, Amanda carried on her usual routine. She got up, turned on the TV, made coffee, lit a cigarette….but something was different. She did not crave, smoke, nor even think of her drug. Amanda had ZERO withdrawal symptoms and NEVER EVEN ONCE craved crack again. She woke up clean. I know that this story seems incredibly impossible, but it is 100% true. Her desperate cries to the Lord worked, and He listened. After 12 years of smoking crack and drinking alcohol, she literally woke up and NEVER EVER craved either one again. And like I said, she had NO withdrawals. TALK ABOUT A MIRACLE!!!!!
    Amanda moved on to become a religious woman, now knowing that God was in fact real and he worked miracles on her. She became an advocate to other women with addiction and now, 5 years later, is proud to say that she has not touched drugs or alcohol, she has cut off her “friendships” with the drug people, and has never looked back. She is an awesome mother, a wonderful Godly woman, and my best friend.
    As untrue as this may seem, this story is the truth. There is no exaggeration at all. Most would be envious and say she is lucky to not have experienced detox, but she didn’t. God did that for her. She will always have to live with the pain she caused her eldest child, more importantly, her CHILD has to suffer with what he went through because of her, and in her family she is forever deemed a drug addict. But she went on to help others, including me. She did not spend a decade smoking crack in vain, alot of bad came from it, but now alot of good comes from it.
    But most importantly, now she has a wonderful relationship with the Lord and has passed that on to her twins and myself.
    I have heard 1 in 5,000 people can quit crack successfully, even less can quit without help. She is a miracle. God is good.
    And if you EVER need someone to talk to, send me a message, she would love to speak with you and help you as well.
    Amanda (Mom), you are MY miracle. I love you….so so much.

     

    Miracles are considered signs that God works in the Earth to convince people that he is the omnipotent ruler of the universe.

    James 5:13-16

    Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

    

     
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				Being “Beautiful” is a Curse
			

										

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Sometimes I can hear something so very simple and think of it for weeks. Sometimes, something so minuscule will follow me forever.

A few weeks ago I was in the local pub. It’s a small town where everyone knows everyone, and everyone socialized together. The bartender on duty was a young woman, someone obviously from “around here” and she was very pretty. She smiled and chatted with everyone, ALL of the men stared at her, and she seemed almost oblivious to her beauty.

At around 1:00am (at “drunk” time) is when the crowds all came together and there were no clicks. I started to hear ALOT of gossip and crap talk about this girl full of smiles. Mostly from girls, but I got the ambition that this one guy was her X, and seemed happy to spread rumors about this bartender girl.

I became a bit intrigued by her so I sat at the bar. She was very nice. She talked with the “ugly” people just as fairly as the “beautiful” people, and was never rude to her X or his new girlfriend in any way. I guess I couldn’t understand WHY people were bullying her so bad. She kept eye contact with everyone, and I noticed there was an older gentleman who did not tip her at all. I finally figured out that he was somewhatnof an alcoholic and used all of his money for the cheapest beer day by day….yet she was just as friendly with him as she was with anyone.

Outside to have a cigarette, I got a bit more detail of this gossip. I actually found this X of hers to be incredibly obnoxious. The gossip was VERY high school, I felt like asking if she was a “sloppy kisser”!!!

At close time she kicked everyone out but a few of us were still sitting at this now brightly lit up bar, and the bartenders demeanor was totally changed. She looked very stressed and like she was about to cry. There was an intoxicated man in his 40’s who kept asking her is she “knew how beautiful she was” and if “she makes good money being hot”. None of his questions were of anything related to this girl as a PERSON.

The bartender girl finally looked this man striat into his eyes and said to him, “You know, being beautiful is a curse”. And that was it. She was bold, and answered all of his questions with that answer.

I cannot get her words out of my head. Being beautiful is a curse. This is such a complex statement to me, and I think she is right! This girl was beautiful, and that’s ALL people saw her as. I NEVER thought to ask if she had any children, is she volunteered anywhere, what her passion was. because she was mesmerizing to look at, her job on earth is done (not MY feelings, but the demeanor of society).

I couldn’t help but to think that is WHY she even had this job, did the owners even consider ANYTHING else upon hire?

It’s several days later and I wish I would have gotten her full name. I want to have coffee with her and know more. I have asked a few people what they know about her. All of the older people said she was a sweetheart, a few younger people said she was pretty cool, and then I heard a few younger girls call her a “slut” which in “younger terms” can mean ANYTHING. 


Being beautiful is a curse.

Is it?? Is the sole fact of how one LOOKS able to determin how they will always be treated?

I think; yea.


~~~L~~~

					

		
		
	

							
	
							
	

				

			
						

				Family (you know, those ppl who your supposed to love)
			

										

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Over-analyze

Verb (used with object)

1. To examine carefully and in such detail as to identify causes, key factors, possible results, ect. 


Its safe to say that I overanalyze everything! Maybe it’s the Libra in me, maybe it’s just my nature, but I have definatly learned the meaning to “ignorance is bliss”.

I come from a very large family. I have close to 40 first cousins, all of whom I’ve grown up with closely. Most of us were born within the same decade, and we all reside in a few small counties, close together.

At a certain stage of your life, people grow up and go their separate ways, and you go through a sadness period. You just want to be young again, sift through pictures, or you become one of those that are ready to go explore and not look back!

And then there is the realism stage. You know, that stage where you realize that your elders are not in fact “super heroes” but actual people who screw up?

I’m past both of those stages and in the “When you grow up, you pick your family” stage. Oh boy is that saying true!! Sometimes I cannot fathom the fact that I share the same blood as certain people. With a family as large as mine, we have every personality imaginable at the Christmas table. I’m not one to gossip, and I’m NOT one of the cousins sitting at the gossip table picking and poking at the imperfections of others. In fact, I refuse to be in that conversation. But then again….that’s women for you!! Call me a freak of nature woman, but I’m not going to spend my Christmas complaining when it takes me the first two hours of arriving just to say “Hello” to everyone.

Maybe this is why I have always gotten along much better with older women. I am usually sitting at the table with my eldest Aunt listening to all of her old rock and roll stories, I love imagining what it was like to be my age back in the 70’s.

You would think that as you sit there, knowing your basically at a high school reunion full of people with your DNA, you would feel incredibly loved and safe….but unfortunately it’s not REALLY like that. When you grow up, you really do pick your family. I have chosen and found a few people in my life who aren’t my “DNA” but I love just as though 🙂 And I’m sure you have done the same!

Isn’t life funny sometimes?

My “Aunt” (not the Aunt I referred to above) is actually my best friend. She is not my real Aunt, she isn’t even kind of related. I met her because she was my dads first love in Middle/High school and she added me on Facebook. One day, she asked for help with Christmas stuff and I thought “What the heck?”, drove the 5 miles over, and we instantly clicked! She is 20 years older than me, but gets me totally. Everyone finds this friendship to be odd, which it kind of is, but after so many years, she is now my “Aunt”. She is my chosen Aunt. We do coffee mornings, we stay the night together, go to the casino, laugh for hours on end, argue, and chat on the phone. I like to pick on her because she still doesn’t own a cell phone, and she makes me refill the coffee because I’m the “young one”. It’s an awesome friendship. 


I’m not sure if this blog has a point to it at all, I’m basically just journaling right now. Ranting, raving, whatever. My reasoning is pretty simple: I’m on day 3 of being in bed with a really nasty flu, and not a one of anyone has checked on me except for my “chosen” family. And here’s the kicker: my own father lives next door. I had to text him and ask for him to come help me yesterday, and he sent his sister, whom also hasn’t checked on me since. My fiancee/daughters father hasn’t worked in 3 days and is a nervous wreck over me being sick. He bought me flowers to put next to my bed, and has been AWESOME!!

My own sister came here this morning yelling at me because I was still in bed!!

Let me add that not only am I a mother of a 3 year old in school, but I own my own business, a VERY HANDS ON type of job, AND I have a second job. I never stop working, I NEVER lay in bed. I wake up at 5:30am every morning and I hit the ground running. 


Ugh, I think I am so desperate to have the strength to get up and work I’m starting to become angry for being sick. (haha!) btw, it was my “Aunt” who got me sick after we had a girls night together. Biiiotch!! I think I will call her and demand home made food 😉


I’m curious to know, who is your best “chosen” family member? Does this blog remind you of anyone? 


~~~Lindsey~~~

					

		
		
	

							
	
							
	
							
	

				

			
						

				MY PROLOGUE
			

										

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In the beginning, we are all innocent. Everyone is born with a fresh soul, and then we experience circumstances. It’s these circumstances that shape us and define us. Some circumstances are for the better, and some are not.

As I’ve grown into a woman, I have seen a lot of people let the bad things steal them away, or take their inherited innocence so to speak. Even though a person is alive, sometimes their soul is not. Their soul is spread into a million pieces and now belongs to several other people, dead or alive.

These are the people who have something to say.

We ALL have SOMETHING to say. Some people go to a counselor, some people have a best friend, and others write. They write music, song lyrics, journals, books, or blogs. 


My name is Lindsey and I am a writer. I’ve been expressing my thoughts through words on paper, computers, poems, and speeches for 20+ years. These pieces of paper, computer keys, and books all contain pieces of my soul, but only small pieces as I would never let a circumstance change ME. And as you read my stories you will wonder HOW this hasn’t happened.

I often wonder that as well!


I also write books anonymously and will put a few on here, each blog containing a chapter or two, so pay attention to the headline to avoid confusion. Most of my books outline my life, but some are very exaggerated for sheer entertainment. Or maybe in my own head, that’s how I really saw it, or maybe sometimes it’s easier to just change reality into something else. Either way, I hope you are prepared to be as fascinated as others to enter my mind, and hopefully you can POSITIVELY take a small piece of my soul with you throughout your journey of circumstance. 


~~~Lindsey~~~